Saturday, July 28, 2007

What Cops Know...

'Borrowed' from Johnny Law Chronicles, who shamelessly stole from The Enforcer

  • The running speed of a German Shepherd is at least twice that of the average out of shape tweaker. If you are going to attempt to outrun one, please calculate the "Rate x Time = Distance" formula ahead of time if you want to avoid getting bit.
  • If they say they "just met" another person, then they are close friends who just committed a crime and don't want to be implicated with aforementioned friend.
  • Anyone who goes out of their way to acknowledge you is hiding something.
    Anyone who goes out of their way to ignore you is hiding something.
  • If you get called to a 911 hangup and a guy answers the door with a 9 month old child in his arms and says "Oh, the baby must have accidentally dialed it", he means he was just involved in a domestic that he doesn't want you to know about. Sometimes the same guy has a $25k felony warrant as well.
  • If you borrowed a BMW from a friend it's not unreasonable to expect you to know your friends last name.
  • If I can see a 12 year old in your house finishing a beer bong, I don't need a warrant.
  • If they tell you they borrowed the jacket from a friend, just before you search it, they've got something, and it's still gonna be their jacket.
  • If any part of my conversation with you includes you saying, "These aren't my pants," you are about to go to jail for having drugs in your pocket.
  • Any person who absolutely cannot sit still or hold a relevant conversation to pertaining subject, and does not mention desperate need of the lavatory, is either: 1) illegally transporting something
           2) under the influence -or-
           3) possessing some felony warrant out for them.
  • If I ask you the day or month you were born and you have to think about it, I don't believe your answer.
  • If the company you entertain includes crack, meth, and/or heroin users I may act like a professional when you call me for the burglary report but I'm secretly laughing my butt off at the poetic justice of the situation.
  • Speaking to me and starting your phrase with, "Screw you, you can't do..." will quickly make you the victim of your own ignorance.
  • EVERYONE lies. The bad guys lie to try to get out of trouble, the victims lie to make their plight sound worse and/or to make the bad guy look worse. The truth is usually somewhere in between.
  • Nobody in the history of the world has ever had "just a couple of beers" and then ended up in contact with law enforcement under circumstances where the amount of alcohol they have consumed is a factor.
  • I know ALL my cousin's last names. Especially the ones that I know well enough to borrow their car. So should you. Unless they aren't really your cousin.
  • "I get a check" is not the answer that tells me you are a solid citizen when I ask you where you work.
  • No bathroom, ANYWHERE, in any house, is large enough to fit everyone who was in the house when the shooting happened. If you tell me you were peeing outside when I point that out, you better be able to show me a wet spot.
  • If you look right then left more than once while talking to my face, you are about to wear handcuffs or sit in the back seat of my unit, I do not like foot pursuits.
  • If I ask you "is there anything in the car that's illegal" and you say "not that I know of" or "there shouldn't be".....I get very's like Christmas morning.

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