Monday, November 14, 2005

They may be old ... but so am I

A blogger I read daily recently changed his template quote to include an Emo Phillips quote. As such, I decided to google for additional quotes from this rather unusual character. Here is what I found:
  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
  • I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
  • I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me…
  • I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming ... They don't know I'm only using blanks.
  • I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
  • I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper
  • I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
  • I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
  • I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
  • I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
  • New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
  • People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
  • Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
  • When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
  • When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
  • You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

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