Hey Coach, this is the wrong ball...

How is this for a trick play?

Awesome Football Trick Play

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Prepare to make a mess..

Warning: Do not follow the below link if your bladder is full or if you are drinking something.  I have a feeling you will make a mess on yourself if you do.

 

A blog I recently started following (A Day In the Life of An Ambulance Driver) has a Crocodile Hunter that is too hard to explain.  You just have to read it for yourself here. 

 

Note: Mingle2 Blog Rating shows the Ambulance Driver blog to have an NC-17 rating due to language.

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What Cops Know...

'Borrowed' from Johnny Law Chronicles, who shamelessly stole from The Enforcer

• The running speed of a German Shepherd is at least twice that of the average out of shape tweaker. If you are going to attempt to outrun one, please calculate the "Rate x Time = Distance" formula ahead of time if you want to avoid getting bit.
• If they say they "just met" another person, then they are close friends who just committed a crime and don't want to be implicated with aforementioned friend.
• Anyone who goes out of their way to acknowledge you is hiding something.
  Anyone who goes out of their way to ignore you is hiding something.
• If you get called to a 911 hangup and a guy answers the door with a 9 month old child in his arms and says "Oh, the baby must have accidentally dialed it", he means he was just involved in a domestic that he doesn't want you to know about. Sometimes the same guy has a $25k felony warrant as well.
• If you borrowed a BMW from a friend it's not unreasonable to expect you to know your friends last name.
• If I can see a 12 year old in your house finishing a beer bong, I don't need a warrant.
• If they tell you they borrowed the jacket from a friend, just before you search it, they've got something, and it's still gonna be their jacket.
• If any part of my conversation with you includes you saying, "These aren't my pants," you are about to go to jail for having drugs in your pocket.
• Any person who absolutely cannot sit still or hold a relevant conversation to pertaining subject, and does not mention desperate need of the lavatory, is either: 1) illegally transporting something
         2) under the influence -or-
         3) possessing some felony warrant out for them.
• If I ask you the day or month you were born and you have to think about it, I don't believe your answer.
• If the company you entertain includes crack, meth, and/or heroin users I may act like a professional when you call me for the burglary report but I'm secretly laughing my butt off at the poetic justice of the situation.
• Speaking to me and starting your phrase with, "Screw you, you can't do..." will quickly make you the victim of your own ignorance.
• EVERYONE lies. The bad guys lie to try to get out of trouble, the victims lie to make their plight sound worse and/or to make the bad guy look worse. The truth is usually somewhere in between.
• Nobody in the history of the world has ever had "just a couple of beers" and then ended up in contact with law enforcement under circumstances where the amount of alcohol they have consumed is a factor.
• I know ALL my cousin's last names. Especially the ones that I know well enough to borrow their car. So should you. Unless they aren't really your cousin.
• "I get a check" is not the answer that tells me you are a solid citizen when I ask you where you work.
• No bathroom, ANYWHERE, in any house, is large enough to fit everyone who was in the house when the shooting happened. If you tell me you were peeing outside when I point that out, you better be able to show me a wet spot.
• If you look right then left more than once while talking to my face, you are about to wear handcuffs or sit in the back seat of my unit, I do not like foot pursuits.
• If I ask you "is there anything in the car that's illegal" and you say "not that I know of" or "there shouldn't be".....I get very excited..it's like Christmas morning.

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Couple of mp3 files to share...

While looking for a specific ringtone to put on my phone for Renee, I found (what I believe to be) a very humorous parody based on Abba's Dancing Queen song about Lance Armstrong.  I hope you enjoy it half as much as I did: 

    

     click the pretty pink button to start it 

 

And, yes, I did find the ringtone for Renee.  Here it is:

    

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Cheese Truck Catches on Fire, Creating Fondue

SACRAMENTO, Calif. —  A tractor-trailer hauling blocks of cheese erupted in flames early Thursday, turning much of its cargo into freeway fondue.

 

No one was hurt, but boxes containing hundreds of pounds of provolone, cheddar, American and other cheeses clogged the burned truck and littered the side of Interstate 80 north of downtown Sacramento.

 

"It went pretty quick," said truck driver Frank Barker, who pulled over at 3:45 a.m. when he saw smoke coming from under his truck.

 

Barker said he tried to put out the flames with a fire extinguisher, but the fire was too big. He gave up and rescued his dog, who was traveling with him from Salt Lake City to the San Francisco Bay area.

     Link to story

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Did they say "Oops" or "Sorry"?

Firefighters Break Into Wrong House During Drill

 

BRAINTREE, Mass. —  It looked like a textbook training exercise, but there was something amiss.

 

Firefighters drove to a vacant house on Tuesday, cut holes in the roof and walls, and broke windows to test their tools and their proficiency.

 

The problem? It was the wrong house.  They were supposed to be two blocks away at a house slated for demolition.

 

The owners of the damaged home now want the town pay for the mistake, but they're trying to keep a sense of humor about it. "Accidents happen," said Jeffrey Luu, who owns the house with his brother, Clayton. "Luckily, nobody got hurt," added Clayton Luu.

 

The home had been vacant since an electrical fire last year left a scorch mark up one side. The knee-high grass had not been cut in several weeks. The owners were planning a renovation of the house — just not this much of one.

 

The fire department is conducting an internal investigation, Deputy Chief John Donahue said in a statement, but officials otherwise remained tightlipped and red-faced about the incident.

 

Meanwhile, the house where the firefighters were supposed to train was demolished later Tuesday as scheduled.

       link to story

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New site to visit

Now, according to the rating system provided by Mingle2, the Blank Top Chronicles blog is rated NC-17 due to the language.

 

Setup: The blog is written by a DC taxi dispatcher relating various calls and customer interactions during his various shifts of duty.  I have been involved with both law enforcement and tech support long enough that I can even hear the various phone conversations as I read them.  The main difference is that the blogger (as he reports it) actually says the things that most of us would only dream about saying after the phone is hung up!

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Basketball quote

A buddy of mine met a college basketball coach last week (identity/college not shared to protect the innocent).  During their conversation, the coach shared this classic quote:

My team has some great outside shooters ... unfortunately, we play all our games indoors.

You just gotta love a coach with humor!

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10 Commandments .... in a couple of different formats

Several years ago, I was asked to 'step in' to cover for a Sunday School teacher, but wasn't given a topic to cover.  Since the class was to be the 6-8 year olds, I thought I would talk about the ten commandments.  Being a visual learner myself, I found a some images to easily convey the actual commandment and add in remembering.  Here are those images:

 

	1. "You shall have no other gods before Me"       (God should be Number One)
	2. "You shall not make yourself any graven image"      (Don't bow down to anything but God)
	3. "You shall not take the Name of the Lord your God in vain"       (Don't use your lips to dishonor God)
	4. "Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy"       (Don't neglect the things of God)           -supposed to be a 'hole' in the Bible-
	5. "Honor your Father and your Mother"
	6. "You shall not murder"
	7. "You shall not commit adultery"       (Adultery leaves a heart broken)
	8. "You shall not steal"
	9. "You shall not lie" (a "lying" nine)
	10. "You shall not covet" (want what others have)

      PDF of the above, with larger images

 

 

The latest Veggie Tales video, Moe and the Big Exit, tells the story of the exodus from Egypt in a Western setting. The whole thing is pretty funny, but one of the 'Easter Eggs' in the DVD lists the tem commandments as they might have been given in the old West:

 1. Y'all have no other gods b'fore Me.
 2. No makin' idols.
 3. When y'all use my name, y'better mean it.
 4. Lay off the trail one day a week.
 5. Mind yer ma and pa.
 6. No killin' folks.
 7. Dance with who brung ya.
 8. No swipin'.
 9. No lyin'.
10. No hankerin' for things that ain't yours.

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A Periodic Chart I can understand

When I was in high school chemistry class I had trouble with the periodic chart ... primarily because whoever put it together didn't have a clue how to abbreviate:

K = Potassium

W = Tungsten

Fe = Iron

Cu = Copper

Ag = Silver

Au = Gold

Hg = Mercury

Sn = Tin

????????

 

My brother sent me a link to a Period Chart of the Internet:

 

While it is easiest to view in the Opera browser (because you can change view magnification), it is interesting to look at .... and there are not nearly as many confusing abbreviations on it.

 

Oh ... Happy 07-07-07 day (which is much better than June 6th last year)

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How many times is the basketball passed?

Watch the below video and see if you can count how many times the basketball is passed between the white shirted players. 

Make sure and count the 'bounce passes' as well.

 

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3-Legged Race champs!

Word to the wise: Don't enter a 3-legged race against an amputee unless you have a firm understanding of the rules.

 

Steps to win:

1. Find the fastest runner
2. Tie your prosthetic leg to one of his legs
3. Release the suspension pin but leave your residual limb (stump) in the socket
4. When Go! is yelled, remove your residual limb from socket and watch your partner win the race.
5. Optional step: Have video camera to capture the moment (we forgot this one)

We had a small gathering at our church this evening and one of the planned events was a 3-legged race.  The pastor and I had planned for the above 'race strategy' since early Sunday morning.  The littler kids had already run their races and were standing at the finish line when the older youth and adults were scheduled to tun.  I really wish we had setup a couple of cameras, just to catch the expressions on both the kids watching pastor run with a "fake leg" strapped to his leg, and one to view the other racers when they clued in to what was happening.

 

We also had watermelon seed spitting contests (distance, not accuracy), trailer rides (behind the riding mower), horseshoes, frisbee golf, food and then sparklers as it was getting dark.  Even though we had a small turn-out, we all had a blast!

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Seventeen years ago yesterday ...

.... I was on patrol during a very slow and boring Sunday morning shift. My Sgt called me on the radio and instructed me to 10-19 (return to station). When I got there, Sarg asked for my car keys and radio. With a puzzled look on my face as I was handing thm over I was told that Renee had called and her 'water broke'. Needless to say, the boring Sunday morning ended quite rapidly.

Sarah made a grand enterance to the world the next day (17 years ago today) at 3:07am.

Happy Birthday Princess!

Sent via my Windows Mobile device
(which may explain why it was short)
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A bit of fun...

 

Here's a little novelty - a site that rates your blog similarly to the MPAA ratings.  One word of warning - don't copy their code into your template. It appears to contain a link to some sort of dating site.  I just copied the image and then manually linked the image to their site.

 

If you get your blog rated, leave me a comment telling me how it turned out!

    (yep, shameless cry for comments)

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I am thinking of going into the Phone business

I have a design for a phone with the following specs:

-Glass screen (easily broken so will get replacement charges)
-No 3G (to complicated)
-2MP camera (all the other phones are moving to higher specs so I should be able to get them cheap)
-No GPS (see 3G)
-No expansion slot (no fiddling allowed)
-No replacement battery (more support charges I can make)
-No MMS (people only use it for naughty video clips anyway)
-No IM (hey use your phone if you want to contact someone)
-No video calling (see 3g and MMS)
-No video capture (see above)
-No VOIP (see IM)
-No 3rd Party apps (see expansion slot)
-No Stereo BT A2DP - (I want to sell some special headphones so everyone will know what you have)
-Oh and for good measure I will lock the phone to specific carriers and charge you a fortune as part of a 2 year deal.

I'm thinking of calling it The Lemon. Do you think I will get much of an interest in people buying it?

Hang on - there's the phone, fax, snail-mail and emails going mad - seems everyone wants one!.

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HMM Promotes the Ertl Procedure

If you visit Heather Mills McCartney's website (her logo is linked to the site), click on the Ertl Procedure link at the top of the middle column.

 

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My Favorite Things

To commemorate her 69th birthday last year, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music".  Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things...

 

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

 

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

 

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

 

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

 

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

 

Urban Legands Reference Pages: My Favorite Things 

Claim: Julie Andrews sang an old folks' parody of "My Favorite Things" to celebrate her 69th birthday

Status: FALSE  (but too good to pass up!)

http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/andrews.asp

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To the dads:

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

Sent via my Windows Mobile device
(which may explain why it was short)
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Someone has too much time on their hands.....

Besides several personal and work related blogs, I have also looked for various law-enforcement related blogs to read.  One of them is My 5150 World.  As stated in the header of that blog, "5150" is California Welfare and Institutions code for Lights are on but nobody's home!  The blog is maintained by a dispatcher who is married to a cop, so there are plenty of opportunities for great law enforcement stories.  She posted a series of entries (intended to look as one long post), using her kid's toys.  The following is a repost of those entries (posted here with permission):

 

Yes, As a Matter of Fact, I DID Have too Much Free Time on my Hands...

I was walking through the room yesterday and I glanced down at what I at first thought was an intact, discarded Cookie Monster. Then I noticed the stuffing and those two little plastic eyes staring up at me from nearby. I looked at my dog, Gabby and she had a little Cookie Monster stuffing, caught in her whiskers. I busted up laughing, and thinking, I caught you! And then my crazy imagination took over. And the result is the following story. I really hope you enjoy it.

 

Uh, OH! "C" is for "Crime Scene"

 

Our Hero in Blue, is the First one the Scene!

 

Here Come the Firemen

 

The Ambulance has Arrived. Oh, no. Looks Like "C" is for "Coroner's Case!"

     (Notice the tourist. Tee hee.)

 

 

Sorry, Mr. Policeman, There is Nothing For Us To Do. We Are Outta Here. Good Luck!

 

And They are, Going, Going, Gone...

 

But You KNOW the Firemen Will Get All the Glory.....

 

...And the Police Will Get All the Paperwork

 

THE END

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My Blogging Story

I Found this on Joe's blog, who found it on his sister's blog, who found it on Chili's.

Hummm ... that beginning reminds me of Mat 1:2-16:  Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren; ....  

 

1. How did you start blogging?
Joe (see above) had started a blog and I thought I might as well.  There was a lot going on in my life at the time (leg trauma) and I thought I would keep a history of that.

 

2. Did you intend to be a blog w/a big following? If so, how did you go about it?
I never thought I would have more than few readers on a daily/weekly basis ... primarily family and close friends.  However, in the past I have found (via StatCounter) that I had a steady following from several states and a few other countries (UK, Australia and Germany).  Who would have thought?

 

3. What do you hope to achieve or accomplish with your blog? Have you been successful? If not, do you have a plan to achieve those goals?

No political, religious or other  set agendas to promote with the blog ... other than fun, open sharing and an occasional joke or pun, no matter how un-funny they may seem!

Have I been successful? Well if there hasn't been an agenda, I guess I have been successful, in regards to the blog at least. 

 

4. Has the focus of your blog changed since you started blogging? How?

Not really.  There have been times of 'soap box preaching' and other times of dropping off the face of the planet.  I simply find something I want to share on my blog and then make it happen.
 

5. What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started?
I wish I would have known about Windows Live Writer, but then again it didn't get created by Microsoft until several months ago, so that doesn't really count! 

    (Note: I am still using Beta 1, Beta 2 is having serious issues)

 

6. Do you make money with your blog?
Not yet, but feel free to help me change that answer to YES!

 

7. Does your immediate or extended family know about your blog? If so, do they read it? If not, why?
Yeah they know about it, but really don't know how often they visit, other than my brother.  He is pretty regular about stopping by.

 

8. What two pieces of advice would you give to a new blogger?

1. Don't be pressured to post more often than you are comfortable.

2. It's your blog, if a comment is shared that you don't believe is in the best interest of your reading audience, simply delete it.  If the person leaving the comment doesn't like it, TIS GAR PLEN!

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