This arrest brought to you by ...

The city council in Oxnard, Calif., has approved a plan to allow advertising space to be sold on city police cars. "We think the public safety vehicle could attract a lot of attention for businesses," the police chief said. Fees for ad space would help pay for the cars. A local newspaper made fun of the plan by suggesting the cars could display the slogan for Taco Bell: "Make a run for the border." (AP)

Hey Brent .... you think that maybe they could get WonderBra to sponsor some of the smaller busts.?
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This is a CHRISTMAS TREE

This is a Christmas tree.
It is not a Hanukkah bush,
it is not an Allah plant,
it is not a Holiday hedge.
It is a Christmas tree.

Say it... CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas

Yes. CHRISTmas - celebrating the Birth of Jesus Christ!!!!

If this offends you ... too bad ... Get over it.
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There's a sucker born every minute...

While it has been reported that PT Barnum coined that wonderful phrase, whoever did was entirely correct. Below is proof by way of links to recent Ebay auctions where buyers were to greedy to realize what they were actually bidding on.

Here is a buyer the bid $810 for an empty Xbox 360 box! The very first paragraph of the advertisement reads:

This is the PREMIUM BUNDLE BOX only. It would include bonus accessories, if it were the actual PREMIUM XBOX 360! DOES NOT Come with 20GB Hard Drive, Console, HD Cables, Wireless Controller, Headset! In other words for those of you who do not understand, YES YOU ARE GETTING AN EMPTY BOX SO DO NOT ASK! Great for gags! DO NOT bid if you don't intend to buy! No excuses, I will not retract bids for you! You will be reported to eBay if you backout after winning the auction. I Cannot be more clear!

Visit the actual page by clicking on the image:


And this extremely bright buyer purchased a 4x6 photograph of an Xbox 360 for a mere $715!. While this ad is a little more secretive in it's method, the opening statement of the description, written in red, is:

Please read this auction carefully, and do not bid on this item unless you are serious

about buying it. Don't end up hassling me, and more importantly, hassling yourself!.
In the middle of the following paragraph is

It's sold out everywhere. Every store, including Best Buy, CompUSA, Circuit City, EBgames, and Walmart, is sold out of this newest craze, which would explain why Ebay is now the hottest place to get it! Why not remember this craze with a picture? Up for auction is a 4x6 photograph of the brand-new Microsoft Xbox 360. As a matter of fact, we'll even send this item to you overnight. And you know what's the kicker? We'll give it to you overnight for FREE!

View this wonderful opportunity here:

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Holiday Greetings to you

I wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but itis so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, no addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: no trees were harmed in the sending of this message however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year
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So much for the magic in that ol' silk cap they found

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Christmas Present

A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a new prosthetic and hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds it and confronts him with the artificial limb.

"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks.

"No, of course not." responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."
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Say it ain't so!

What do Walt Disney and A.A.Milne have in common today?  In all likelihood, they are both rolling over in their graves!

Why?  Christopher Robin is being replaced by a “tomboyish” 6–year-old girl in the 2007 computer-generated series My Friends Tigger and Pooh.  Yes, you read that right, and can read it again here. 

Disney execs say the idea is to bring an older audience to an iconic franchise born when British author A.A. Milne began musing about the imaginary world of his son, Christopher Robin.  "We got raised eyebrows even in-house at first, but the feeling was these timeless characters really needed a breath of fresh air that only the introduction of someone new could provide," says Nancy Kanter of the Disney Channel.

As Wil Wheaton posted on his blog:
Uh, no. You stupid corporate jerk. Timeless characters do not need "a breath of fresh air" BECAUSE THEY ARE TIMELESS! What the #&*@ is wrong with you people? (be advised … there is swearing on his site … consider yourself warned)

Disney's Kanter says the new cartoon represents not an abandonment of an old, familiar world, but rather an alternate universe for Pooh and his crew.  "Christopher Robin is still out there in the woods, playing," she says. "We hope people will fall for this new tomboyish girl. The last thing we want to be is the ones who brought the franchise down."

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Juggling Boy

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Error - You have spent too much time on the net

Click on the image to visit the page
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Wow!

Convicted forger A. Schiller was serving his time in Sing Sing prison in the late 1800s when guards found him dead in his cell. On his body they found seven regular straight pins whose heads measured the typical 47/1000ths of an inch or 1.17 millimeters in diameter. Under 500 magnification it was found that the tiny etchings seen on the heads of the pins were the words to The Lord's Prayer, which is 65 words and 254 letters long. Of the seven pins, six were silver and one was gold - the gold pin's prayer was flawless and a true masterpiece. Schiller had spent the last 25 years of his life creating the pins, using a tool too small to be seen by the naked eye. It is estimated that it took 1,863 sepatate carving strokes to make it. Schiller went blind because of his artwork.
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Bad Cop, No Doughnut!

A buddy of mine, a fellow amputee, related the following two days of activities to me yesterday. It was such a great story, I had to share it with all my faithful readers (both of you):

List of characters:

MB: My Buddy

DC: Dumb Cop

Judge: Judge (a judge? this should be good!)

I received this message from MB Tuesday:

Well yesterday I had to work my part time job at a local mall. We all know, this time of year, parking is bad at any mall. Well, yesterday the only spot open was handicap, and I took it. I put my little blue card up. I was getting out of my car, when the local police asked me why I was parking there.

I just told him that I legally could. He asked for my ID, and ran the normal check. Yes, it came back with a clean record. (don't say it.) He then claimed it was not my permit, I just showed him my leg and told him the state of Michigan says I can park there. If he still had a problem, write the ticket and get ready to have fun in court.

Guess what, I came out 4 hours later, and there was a $100.00 ticket on my car. So tomorrow, on my day off, I am going to have my fun in court!

I got this from him yesterday, after he returned from court:

When I arrived, they asked me to come back on the date written on the ticket. I told them I would not be in town. (A small lie, but I was not under oath!) The Judge had the Police Department called, and asked for the Officer to come to his court with the video type.

An hour and half later he shows up. He explained to the Judge, I first went through a red light, then parked in a handicap spot, and that I was not handicapped. We watched the tape showing me making my turn, under a green light. Because of the way he was behind me, the tape did not show me showing him my leg, or my parking card.

Judge: " Are you handicapped, according to the State of Michigan?"
MB: "Yes Sir" I took off my leg and set it on the table.
Judge: "Did you inform the officer"
MB: "Yes, I even showed him my leg"
Judge: "Do you have a handicap plate, or card"
MB: "Yes Sir, I do." I showed the judge my card

Judge: "Officer, the video shows you had no reason to come in contact with MB. MB is, according to every State I have visited, handicap. I am tossing this ticket out. I am Fining the city for this courts time. Further, Not only will you apologize to MB, I am directing a formal apology from the Police Chief and the City, be given in a public forum, within 15 days, from today.

How great would it be to be a fly on the wall when the chief found out about this and had a 'counseling' session with the officer?

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I'm still around...

... just so busy I haven't have a moment to make an entry recently (this one doesn't count)
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Not original, but something to share (a day early):

'Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving, But I Couldn't Sleep.
I Tried Counting Backwards, I Tried Counting Sheep.
The Leftovers Beckoned - The Dark Meat And White
But I Fought The Temptation With All Of My Might.

Tossing And Turning With Anticipation
The Thought Of A Snack Became Infatuation
So I Raced To The Kitchen, Flung Open The Door
And Gazed At The Fridge, Full Of Goodies Galore.

I Gobbled Up Turkey And Buttered Potatoes,
Pickles And Carrots, Beans And Tomatoes
I Felt Myself Swelling So Plump And So Round,
'til All Of A Sudden, I Rose Off The Ground.

I Crashed Through The Ceiling, Floating Into The Sky
With A Mouthful Of Pudding And A Handful Of Pie.
But, I Managed To Yell As I Soared Past The Trees....
Happy Eating To All -- Pass The Cranberries, Please.

May your stuffing be tasty; May your turkey be plump,
May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,
May your yams be delicious, May your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.
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I suprised even myself!

And this was without the assistance of Google

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Found via CripHumor

Stumbled across CripHumor recently and thought I would share a few jewels:

Gimper Fi ,,,, The Few. The Proud. The Disabled.

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They may be old ... but so am I

A blogger I read daily recently changed his template quote to include an Emo Phillips quote. As such, I decided to google for additional quotes from this rather unusual character. Here is what I found:

• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
• I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
• I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me…
• I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming ... They don't know I'm only using blanks.
• I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
• I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper
• I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
• I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
• I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
• I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
• New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
• People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
• Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
• When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
• When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
• You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

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Charlie Brown pathetic tree

Urban Outfitters is selling a replica of the "pathetic" Christmas tree Charlie Brown took home in A Charlie Brown Christmas:

The tree is an exact replica of the tree from the famous cartoon, made of wire branches and plastic needles with a criss cross wooden base. The bendable branches allow you to make it look just how you want, super pathetic or just kind of pathetic. The tree comes with one red Christmas ball ornament.

Looks like it is just waiting to have some presents put under it

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With Veterans' Day approaching

1.  How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns and why?  
        21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute, which is the highest honor given any military or foreign  dignitary. 

2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why? 
       21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1 

3. Why are his gloves wet? 
       His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.

4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time and if not, why not? 
       He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his  march across the path, he executes an about face and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder. 

5. How often are the guards changed? 
      Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year. 

6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to? 
      For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be between 5' 10" and 6' 2" tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30."  After 9 months of service, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are over 500 that have been awarded.
       Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for guard duty.

For additional information:
Society of the Honor Guard
Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
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Technical Harassment

In our complex technical environment there are many opportunities for a competent technical individual to be the subject of technical harassment. Sometimes it can be so subtle that you may not even be aware you are being harassed. Worse yet, you may inadvertently technically harass another person by accident.

Following are some guidelines to help you determine if you are being technically harassed:
• If you are repeatedly asked the same technical question, you may be the victim of technical harassment. While it is most common to be asked the question repeatedly within the same conversation, some instances have been identified of habitual technical harassment. Habitual technical harassment is not uncommon and has been known to exhibit group tendencies where members of a group may ask the same question repeatedly. Untreated, these instances of group technical harassment can continue for years.
• If you are asked a technical question by a non-technical person and they do not write your answer down it is likely the question is frivolous. Most non-technical people are not capable of remembering a true technical answer for more than 30 seconds.
• If you are forced into a discussion where a person uses more than three (3) buzzwords in one sentence the person is most likely a fake and you are the unwitting victim of technical harassment. One note of caution, competent technical people have been known to inadvertently use buzzwords after reading mindless drivel like PC Week or LAN Times. If the person has been known to use more common technical terms in the past such as "stuff" and "things", they are most likely victim of computer magazine brainwashing.
• If during a troubleshooting session a person uses the term "trick". For example "maybe we could trick the database into thinking it has been updated". This is a sure sign of technical harassment.
• If a person explains that a needed feature will be provided by a vendor and that person is nontechnical then you are at risk of being technically harassed. If you believe that person, you have definitely been technically harassed, if you don't believe them you have only been technically annoyed.
• If when trying to resolve a technical problem with a product from a vendor and you are instructed to call the salesman that sold us the product you are being set up for technical harassment. It is a common reaction for a non-technical person when they have purchased technical equipment to call another non-technical person. The dialogue between two non-technical people usually provides some sense of comfort that they aren't the only ones who are confused.

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I received this in an email today and wanted to share:

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are encumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. If I came to your country, I would expect to have to learn your language.

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!
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